Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
