This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
