Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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