You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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