I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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