I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
