I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
