I smell stomach acid.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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