Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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