I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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