He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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