turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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