My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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