I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
