I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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