Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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