my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
