fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
