My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
