I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
