you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
