I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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