I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I feel great
I just peed on a car
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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