so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
