i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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