I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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