she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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