I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
