He uses pillows to masturbate.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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