Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
