There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wish I could teleport
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
