took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
