theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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