My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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