Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
