I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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