if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
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last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
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If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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