so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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