this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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