The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
