I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
