Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
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Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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