Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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