just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
