It's a beautiful day for a hangover
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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