he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees