The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
