Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You were trust falling into bushes
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
