I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
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you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
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It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.