Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
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I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.