time to smoke my breakfast
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
