peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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