Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
