we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
