I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
