Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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