So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
