So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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